Love at first sight

Sweet girl stuck in her sixteen
walking around alone in the dark
in that green summer street park

She bends down on her knees
and touches the green wet grass
and then she lies down happily
looking in the sky beyond the trees across

There I am thinking - nearby
Let me lie beside you under the sky
Let me look at your face under the moon light
and let me hold your hands tight
and let me show you that brightest star
and let me tell you how beautiful you are

And when it gets late and it's time to go
Let me look into your eyes
and let me not make a sound
Let me fall in love
and Let me not hit the ground

Year 2009

I know I am more than 6 months late writing about year 2009 :) and as I write the first line I have started smiling thinking of the quote “Right now I am so far behind, I will never die”.

It’s been long since I wrote something in my blog. For past couple of months I have been thinking of putting together the memorable moments of year 2009 but as usual either I get caught with work or with my own laziness preventing me from doing so. But here I am finally, trying to recall all good things from last year. I may not be able to put a very elaborative blog considering my long virtual list of to do’s for next few hours - prepare (or most likely buy) some dinner, arrange cloths for the coming week, finish few chapters of the “Crime and punishment” and go over thinking about all the “to-do” items for tomorrow; sigh! for this part of the bachelor life. Also, I have a memory slightly better than that of a goldfish so I may have forgotten some of not so memorable events from 2009 and so you aren’t going to find those here :)

First half of 2009 was eventful- My brother became father of a lovely daughter in Jan and so I became uncle of the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen; Feb to June was busy time working om different old and new projects, trying out new ideas and experimenting with very latest technologies; This was also the time when I made couple of good new friends. July was the time when I finally got chance to take off and travel to Varanasi. I love family get-togethers more than any other social event and it was time when I got to hold my five and half month old niece for the first time; it was a wonderful feeling holding her in my hands and thinking if it was not long before my parents and my uncles where holding me the same way.

Most parts of the second half of 2009 went trying to keep up with daily routine and digesting the frequent changes in the professional front. By July My cousin Pranav who had been living with me for last 3 years finished his graduation and had got a rather temporary job to take care of his pocket money while he planned for post graduation. Making a decision about appropriate higher education is rather tough when you know that you can’t just throw money to get any fancy degree. This has been one of few reasons why I didn’t go for post graduation when I finished bachelor’s course; but even so, in last 5 years everyday I have dreamed about going back to college, read a lot of books and know more about the various subjects of my interests like technology, science, art and nature. I know someday I will have time and money to pursue this dream and all I need to do is keep this dream breathing.

During October my parents along with my sister came to visit me. With good food, laughs and punctual daily routine,one month of time rolled rather faster than I had wished. By end of the year my sister got a job and decided to live in B’lore so I started looking for some better place and finally I found one that was close to her workplace. In the beginning of 2010 I along with my cousin and sister shifted to a new house.

Now I need to run to nearest restaurant and grab something quickly; come back n finish rest of the things from my to-do list.

When we were kids

I was at my friend’s place yesterday and we were talking about the time when we were kids, all mischief that we did, high school love stories and all the embarrassing moments that we had to face because of our juvenile foolishness. We talked for hours and kept laughing recalling all those good old memories. The time was so good then, we were all so careless and away from the worries of the real world; all we had to do is go to school, play cricket after school, do some studies in the evening, watch television and then go to bed with a sound sleep; that was pretty much every day routine. We were not worried about anything- not about the job, money or relationships or how the future’s gonna look like few years down the line. All we thought about and planned of were things going on that moment or next or a day after; nothing more than that came to our mind or if it did we didn’t care-we were living life pretty much in present, unlike today when we are no more kids and we worry much about things gone wrong in past and things that may happen in future. Now we don’t enjoy the present as much as we did while we were kids.

I wonder why it has become so tough to live life in present and be happy all the time even when we have grown more independent than ever, earning quite handsome salaries and living in bigger cities with much easier lifestyle. I wish I knew the answer to that but it’s all just so much clouded that I can’t recall when and why did I lose track of living life in “just the present”.

Walk to the destiny

“Do you believe in destiny?” – That’s one of the most popular questions asked and the most popular answer is “people write their own destiny”. Like many others I too have wondered often about everything that we do and every choice that we make -whether it all has already been decided and if we are just the mere players of the drama playing our role for some bigger cause? Or if our actions are result of the some complicated equation where the end result has certain degree of uncertainty because of the fluctuating variables in the equation? Or if we can truly decide everything in our life and write our own destiny? Quite confusing, isn’t it?

I have thought about it all for years and couldn’t conclude anything. There are certain things that are in our control for example day to day decisions about what to do and what not to do, career decisions, being good to people, being honest and so on.. But then there are a lot of other things that are beyond our control and pretty much unexpected like natural disasters, tragedies happening with the people around us, others behavior or actions, often erupting misunderstandings etc. These are some of the many things that we don’t have control over but all of these control us in a way or other no matter how hard we try to remain nonreactive towards each of these-everything that is living has reactive nature. Part of our destiny is written by us but there are chapters that are written by others because if it was all totally in our control no one would ever want to close a chapter with a gloomy or bitter ending. For instance we cannot decide to have all good people in our lives and never cross paths with people that we don’t wish to have around. Or even the things that look pretty much in our control - like we cannot decide who to fall in love with because if that was the case no one would be crying the songs of broken heart; similarly, we can’t force others to fall in love with us.

But if we think beyond our selfish reasons, having everyone’s life completely in their own control will create a chaos because it’s like having a free will and it’s the sort of independence that will make us humans even more selfish, robotic and even agnostic. Our destiny not being completely in our control and parts of it being written by others around us is for the good because that’s how we are connected and that’s how we stay social and more human.

Queen of Rain

Aha! It's raining again here and surely I'm not loving it this time. I mostly drive my motorbike to workplace and this gets really tough doing so when it's drizzling through out the day. This sort of weather in a city like Bangalore is never welcomed because all you are going to see around is a lot of mud, slow traffic and dirty cloths.

If I had to ask Zeus who is supposed to be the god of rain and thunder according to Greek mythology, I would ask him for a good few hours of heavy rain and empty that gigantic tank of water in one shot every day rather than pouring it all slowly through out the day. And yeah! also will ask him to pour it all when it's rainy season and not the entire year.

By the way I think it shouldn't be the rain god but it should be the "rain goddess" because rain is lovely (if you have seen it raining in the country side, you know what I am talking about) and many times it reminds of the time when one fell in true love for the first time; just like those water droplets falling from the sky and hitting the ground without acknowledging any sense of pain or misery in spite of knowing the fact that their existence will elope in the dry ground as soon as they hit it. This sort of emotional arousal can be provoked only by a "her-heart", so now you know why said it has to be "rain goddess" or "queen of rain" :-)

And now that reminds of the Roxette's queen of rain song, hopelessly romantic song and goes like:

In that big big house

there are fifty doors

and one of them leads to your heart.

In the time of spring

I passed your gate

and tried to make a start.

All I knew

was the scent of sea and dew

but I've been in love before, how about you?

There's a time for the good in life,

a time to kill the pain in life,

dream about the sun you queen of rain.

In that big old house

there are fifty beds

and one of them leads to your soul.

It's a bed of fear,

a bed of threats,

regrets and sheets so cold.

All I knew your eyes so velvet blue,

I've been in love before, how about you?

There's a time for the good in life...

Time went by

as I wrote your name in the sky,

fly fly away,

bye bye.

It's time to place your bets in life,

I've played the loser's game of life,

dream about the sun you queen of rain.

Here is the song

Do I deserve forgiveness?

I read somewhere a line that said “Worry is misuse of imagination”. As I finished reading it for the first time I told myself “..and regret is misuse of memory”. Now I realize that I was very wrong when I thought so. Actually I realized very recently that those who don’t regret of their wrong doings, they never learn a thing; now I know why I haven’t learned a lot in past few years of my life. Nevertheless, I have been regretting much these days to compensate for all those years. I have acted like a real jerk in past few months and I’m so ashamed of it now unlike the other times when I always had excuses handy for everything I did wrong.

It’s been said if someone really regrets of his/her actions, they should ask for forgiveness. But as a matter of fact it’s tough asking for one. It's tough because human nature has developed rigidness over centuries through out the course of evolution of the civilizations (we haven't reached here peacefully you know) and to ask for forgiveness one has to throw away the pseudo-pride, get out of jar head mindset and accept the mistakes and apologize. So it took me sometime to ask for one but when I did so, I felt lighthearted even when I wasn’t forgiven that moment; after all we can’t proclaim amnesty for self.

Later I found out that the first quote “worry is misuse of imagination” has been said by Dan Zadra who also said “Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always”. But can I forgive myself for everything I have done wrong?; I am not so sure about it yet.

Proud of your history, culture and religion, huh?

Of all 7 sins pride is one. I see around people who are over proud of their so called “culture” and religion; so much proud of it that they can’t tolerate fellow humans, and they don't care for other human lives any more. Every part of the world reachable by humans has been suffering from this sickness since centuries one or the other way. Irony is that no one ever found a complete cure to it. Though some governments could control it but it’s been in every country and every culture. And it’s no different here in India; initially it all started with few people but slowly like a fungal disease it grew; it grew so much over the years that it can’t be cured any more. You can’t blame only the governments for this failure, we too are responsible for it; all of us are responsible. We failed to understand the concept of religion – it’s about faith and not about pride. What is religion? I guess it’s the part of cultural evolution that happened differently in different parts of the world. We failed to understand the beauty of the fact that though different religions evolved in different parts of the world, we all believed in something common- the god; we initially were certain about the good and bad. But then over time we started believing in pseudo-intellectuals to understand about god and faith and that’s exactly when all these problems started. Those few pseudo-intellectuals convinced their fellow gullible and still evolving humans to develop the rigidness of the beliefs; and something that’s rigid is often fragile. Some people understood this wrong going and so they said that over time world is going to see the dooms day. You see this concept is not so esoteric after all :)

Yet another try

So here I am, writing my blog. Ummm, Where to begin from? My thoughts are quite random and I find it tough to make it all look sensible when I speak or when I write; I m not a fantastic writer either. So if you guys find any problem with what I m writing here you know who to blame; or we can go for 1-1 knockout round, just in case ;)